i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
