I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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