I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
