I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
