I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
