After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
