these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Randomize
