I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
