I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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