I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
