Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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