chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Holy sore nipples Batman
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
