So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
