I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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