i wish my penis had a tongue
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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