There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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