Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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