I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
