I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
