Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
