My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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