i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Randomize
