I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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