the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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