Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
