I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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