my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
