Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
