It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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