when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
