tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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