youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
