Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
