The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
So many bounce houses so little time
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
