Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
