I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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