i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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