I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
