On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
