He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
