You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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