I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
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