So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
