The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
