i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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