I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
