things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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