Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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