Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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