Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
