i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
