I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
