she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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