i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
