I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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