At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
